当我需要分享我的快乐时，
你在哪里.

当我撑不过，需要一股推动力时，
你又在哪里.

当我不成人形，只渴望有另一个依靠，
你到底在哪里...




ZZ dear,

Paiseh arh, I must use my blog to tell you some stuffs. I dont have much time.. so yeah, gonna use this lazy way out. Its half rantings, so.. please bear with my pms..

Well, i never see you for 2 weeks, and i really miss you alot. Ive been looking forward to yesterday's meetup practically everyday in camp. Wanna spend my precious time with you. But its kinda... disappointing to me..

I really thought that you will be with me alone all the while in the afternoon till you go for your party. But yeah, ben was there as well. I'm fine with meeting him too, but not always... Recently whenever I go out with you, there's always him around.

I know you guys are good friends, but I'm not that close to him. Its really awkward sometimes for me. Its as if like.. I'm the one tagging along.

I dont talk much, i admit that... and with him around, things liven up alot. At least theres someone to talk to you. But i feel like a 'calefare'. Especially when you guys plan outings and all i can say is 'oh okay lor, i free i go'.

friends is important to you, i can understand that.. but really, i feel kinda left out pretty often.

when you said you meeting him, i really feel like just telling you to enjoy your day with him and i rest at home. same goes for the club... i can bear with the uneasy feeling, because i dont have much time to spend with you.. and being with you is more important than anything else.

when you said that you are having a hard time coming up with excuses to your mum about staying overnight at my house, i understand that, but at the same time.. my heart broke..

i know its not right to lie to others, but i just cant think of any more places to go to spend quality time with you over the night, and i really need those.. i was so happy last night till the very last min i saw you sitting in the leaving bus. its really such a rare chance.. but i promised myself, it shall be the first and last time. i dont want you to keep telling lies over and over again..

this morning, the feeling of me hugging you to wake you up.. its not something i will ever forget..

you once told me, watching porn is like betraying ea other psychologically, and you were shocked to see me using grindr. ive stopped all those. but am i getting the fair treatment?

i msged you earlier that i teared for no reason. i honestly.. dunno why i cried. i just have this aching feeling in my heart. i dunno why... even now when im typing all these, ive started tearing again. mood swing eh?

perhaps im just lost again.. trying to find directions once more. or it is just.. i miss you too much..

i look forward to each and every sms you send me, because its really the only motivation to drive me through everyday.. when night falls, calling you during my free time is what i anticipate the most.

but... im really disappointed at times.. and my heart aches and shatters very frequently nowadays..




Sitting in the office just makes me wonder..

What should I be in the future?

Should I just continue what I'm doing right now, pursue my degree in chemical engineering, and be an engineer in that field in the future? A stable, yet normal life. Risking my health, for a high return.

Or should I start a business, and be my own boss?

Perhaps pursue my dream in music and interior design?

How how how? @.@